I remember the first time someone told me he was actively seeking the disability he'd needed for his entire lifetime. He told me in detail exactly what he wanted, precisely how it could be done and where he thought that might be accomplished.
My stomach dropped. I felt a little queasy. And I thought, this is wrong. This is very, very wrong that he would put himself through something so unsafe for results not even vaguely guaranteed. His level of desperation remains unspoken. He's a quiet man, so even telling me that much was a venture for him, a test for me of how much I could accept.
When I hear of people who have resorted to drastic DIY measures for amputations, I still get a little light-headed.
I believe now the right thing is for surgeons to grant demanded surgery. It took me a long time to get to this point.
I've been asked: If I could go into a hospital, get the SCI I need, essentially be assured the surgery was safe - would I do it?
My immediate response to myself was, yes. Absolutely. As for committing to it out loud, I haven't been so quick. I think I like thinking about it. And once the answer is out there, it feels like I can't change it.
Remembering the feeling I had when my friend told me he was looking for that surgery and that he would take it if offered, I haven't talked to anyone outside the BIID community about this, other than a researcher.
But as far as pretending goes, I find myself in the strangely comfortable position of being able to when I want to. I don't worry - not too much, anyway - about being spotted by anyone I know. It's extremely unlikely and if I did encounter someone I knew, well, let the questions begin.
As with my acquaintance who asked me about my crutches, I'll tell the truth about a chair when I get one.
But the whole megillah? Enh, I think that's going to have to wait.
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