This Feels Like Hope

Recently, I've read a few scholarly papers and seen some YouTube videos about BIID. The more I read, the more likely it sounds like it's going into the new DSM next year. That means that it's recognized as a real thing. And if it's real, there can be attempts at treatment.

I have no doubt that the pharmaceutical companies will set up protocols for drugs that already exist. Because we are, at the moment, known to be a small population, I wouldn't expect that there would be a great wave of companies out there trying out their old antidepressants for a "new" illness. Besides, we already know they don't work.

At my age, (late 50s) I realize that surgical treatment will not come in my lifetime. I'm okay with that. And no, I am not willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars to find that surgery elsewhere.

My first small hope is that there would be an experiment - I know, a very non-technical word and no doubt a little off-putting - for people needing paralysis. I would gladly volunteer for nerve blocks on the sciatic and femoral nerves.

To get my legs out of the way for two hours, while I'm awake...I can't help but think it would allow me to focus on something other than that. The buzz is always in the background, except when I spend a lot of time in my chair. What a tremendous relief that would be.

Mixed States

I realize how long it's been since I posted here. Not much has changed.

A lot of things have happened.

I'm going out in my chair more but it still isn't a lot. More on that later, maybe. Today's particular kvetch is a spillover from my mainstream blog. A friend of mine has invited me to lunch at a very nice place with very nice gardens. It's a two hour drive away. She's going to drive. In her convertible. In her teeny tiny Mercedes convertible. I was just diagnosed with my second round of skin cancer - very minor, but still, surgery is scheduled and I'm not looking forward to it.

There is nothing at all about the convertible experience that I cherish. The wind, the sun, the hair all over the place thing, the wind, and the sun. Not to mention the fact that my friend comes in size XS and I am XXL and she naturally chose the car to fit her and not any of her passengers. I am sure that all will be well once we reach our destination, have our meal and wander the gardens and then again when I return home.

Tina is one of the few people in my real-life world that I've told about BIID. She showed enormous intellectual curiosity about it when I first mentioned it to her and I've told her to feel free to ask any questions. One of life's many ironies is that Tina owns a wheelchair van. She is perfectly able-bodied but her late husband was paraplegic due to illness in the last years of his life.

She has a hard time getting rid of things. The few times I've seen it in her driveway, I've cast longing glances at it. I've considered asking her if I could buy it, but I honestly don't have the cash and again, she has a hard time letting go.

This is not the weekend that I had in mind for myself. I have my chair in my car and I knew where I wanted to go. I may or may not have to opportunity to go out on Sunday. There is someplace deep where this all comes from, the unsettled feeling I have. Perhaps that's what it feels like when things begin.