Lucky Me

Over the past week, I realized how lucky I've been in venturing into the world of BIID. Of accepting myself as a person with BIID, and ways of dealing with it and not dealing with it.

Even though my interest in leg braces, wheelchairs and polio goes back to the time when I was four or five years old, it wasn't until only five years ago that it dawned on me that I could search these things on the Internet.

I've been known to fling myself into things far more often than I should. Uncharacteristically, I sat back and took my time, absorbing things very slowly.

When I came forward, it was as a dev.

I had some unfortunate experiences as a dev. My usual sense of caution about certain things failed me and I was very nearly taken several times. "Taken" as in, nearly spent a lot of money I couldn't afford. "Taken" as in, believed people that had given me no real reason to trust them.

That phase didn't last very long.

Nearly from the beginning, though, I was fortunate in some people I met. I met people who not only accepted but welcomed my dev side but slowly helped me accept BIID.

I had people to chat with online. I had people to email and bounce ideas off of. And one relationship has gone to a very nice, comfortable place.

I've recently encountered someone who is acutely aware of how alone he was for over twenty years. That's a terribly long time to be alone, to harbor what seems like such a burden at times all by yourself. It's made me realize how fortunate I've been in a number of people I've met along the way.

As for people who knew me before the BIID awakening, I've told them very little. A close friend who has a disability, thinks it cool that I'm a dev, but she doesn't know I have BIID. I don't think she would react favorably if I told her.

I've told my therapist and my psychiatrist and they both obviously recoiled. My shrink is convinced it's related to OCD. I've given him websites to visit and contact information for his peers who are knowledgeable about BIID. I don't think he's investigated it, because the last time I spoke with him, he was advocating increasing the anti-OCD meds. My therapist thinks it's a very, very bad idea for me to obtain a wheelchair. Obviously, I'm not getting the support I want and need.

While I continue to search for a p-doc to help me deal with BIID, I'll see the one I've been seeing. The therapist has helped me with other issues in the past. Aspects of these issues pop up from time to time. Some of them might take a lifetime to resolve. In the meantime, I'll keep searching.

So...thank you to the people who have helped me get to this point. It's a very important point in my life, I think. Thank you for not rushing me. Thank you for letting me take my time. And thank you for welcoming me with open arms and minds when I got to this point. Your input, your friendship, your love and acceptance means so much to me.