The Fever

I've been thinking up ways to save money. At this point, not really enough wiggle room to let it happen. But still, I ponder.

I thought hard, really hard, about getting myself a right AFO. After all, my ankle is all kinds of messed up. I don't have any health insurance right now, so of course that couldn't pay for it. I went to an online brace site and added up that my AFO might cost me upwards of $500 - $600.

Next month, I start a new job. Although I know the AFO wouldn't have arrived in time, I thought, wouldn't it be nifty to just start this way, with a right AFO? I know no one looked at me for long when I went in for the interview. Since this is a contracting gig, no one asked me any questions about needing accommodation to perform my job.

I checked eBay to see if I could find something that would make do.

Instead, I found a wheelchair. A beautiful wheelchair. A Tilite ZRA. For more than $800, plus $50 for shipping.

I suddenly found out a lot about wheelchairs. I learned to measure myself and learned that this chair might be too big for me. But that didn't stop the obsessive round-and-round thoughts in my mind. I dug in and learned more. For one thing, the back didn't appear to be adjustable and I couldn't go any higher than 15".

But I had this irrational fever for this chair.

Although I will be paying my bills out of my savings account until my first paycheck arrives, I wanted this chair. And I knew I was being completely irrational about wanting it.

I begged someone to talk me down from the ledge and he did.

I felt like I could finally breathe again.

Then, quite wisely, he said, "Just because you got around it this time, don't think it won't come back twice as hard."

He's right. And I wish he was wrong. But he's been coping with this longer than I have and had the stones to acknowledge it long before Miss Repression 2009 here did.

The fever will be back. And what then?

Avatar

I'm surprised I haven't heard more from the wheeling community about the movie "Avatar". The previews that I saw showed a paraplegic who was once a soldier, willingly giving up his human form to not be a para and to be a soldier again.

A number of things strike me.

First, the movie is set in 2154. I truly believe that medicine will advance enough to heal spinal cord injuries in the next hundred years. And I can't believe that technology won't advance to the point where wheelchairs will be necessary. Although in fairness, this
was rolling around a hundred years ago and


<-- this is what's rolling around now. You can do all kinds of things to chairs but wheels are still pretty much wheels.

So I'm surprised "Avatar" can't do much better than that. I just checked out some design sites that have some amazing chairs on them that I have no doubt are totally impractical for those with an SCI higher than T-12.

But the essence of "Avatar" seems to be "I would rather be an alien than have a disability." Wha? The ABs are still rocking that pity thing.

Thinking

I've been away from here, thinking a lot lately.

I understand why some people with BIID have a desire to get approval or at least avoid the loathing of the PWD community. Part of that is the reason why I've been quiet. One PWD blogger made a comment that they thought a question about accessibility in NYC directed their way was then used - by a pretender. Gasp. Horror. Because after all, the subway station belongs to this other blogger, of course.

After much pondering, I've decided that I want to move along in here.

I know that if I have BIID (and I've been told by a medical researcher that I have all the symptoms), I don't think it's as severe as it is with other folks.

I don't obsess about it. I put my mind to it from time to time.

It's a tremendous relief to me when I'm at work to think of myself in the body image I want, an L3-4 polio para. The brief seconds I use to think of it bring me a deep peace that I use to get more work done.

Lately, my focus is on a right AFO. Part of this is because my right ankle truly is screwed up. I've ignored all the recommendations for surgery, chiefly because I have yet to find the surgeon I feel comfortable with and I can't afford to miss the time for work.

There may be a wheelchair coming my way soon. I want to take a weekend away, a very, very, very rare occasion for me, and am thinking of where I could go within a 3 hr drive of NYC, a place that is accessible. Accessible is a hard thing in the northeast US. The only place I can think of is Atlantic City and AC is just lost on me. I don't get it. I have several vices, but gambling isn't one that I have. In fact, I just don't get it.

Still, I ponder the place to go. And that, too, brings me a kind of peace.