Closer

Since I was five, I have known what I wanted to be and how I wanted to look. Despite literally having dreams about it, I put it aside. I did it very effectively, too, because it remained mostly buried for decades.

I wanted long leg braces. I wanted black ankle boots. I wanted a wheelchair. I wanted forearm crutches. And yes, I wanted the disability to go along with it.

Again, I tamped it all down, knowing it must be impossible.

And what a painful thing to learn that it was possible, but financially out of reach.

Within the past two months, I have found and brought home the wheelchair and the black ankle boots. The boots are unbelievably perfect. And I'm saving them for special. I already had the forearm crutches. I bought a pair of orthopedic shoes from a thrift store and found it was possible to create about a 2" difference in height. Walking in them with the forearm crutches was so good. So much closer than I ever dreamed.

Lately, I'd been concentrating on getting an AFO, preferably a right AFO to guard my weak right ankle.

And suddenly, I am the owner of a set of AFOs. They are home made, but passable.

I am learning to maintain and repair the chair. I know what adjustments I need on the forearm crutches, which again, I do myself. All of this is changing me slowly, changing who I am and how I think.

I look at curb cuts in a completely different way now and am surprised at how many of them fail to meet muster.

Double doors are an annoyance of larger proportions than I'd realized.

I'm getting closer.

I doubt I'll ever get all the way to where I want to be, but getting closer is the important thing for now.