Warming the Hearts of Do-Gooders Since 10:30 EST

When I put the chair together after it was shipped to me, I looked at one of the casters and said, "That's probably not on right."

I was right, but it took three trips to the outside world to find out for sure.

The good news is that I have found the perfect place to cruise. It's a mall, of course, and it has a bookstore on one end, but all the flooring surfaces meet my criteria.

I encountered my first do-gooder as I was going up the slight (slight? Really?) ramp to the bookstore entrance. My casters smacked against uneven pavement with dirty water splashing up on me. I nearly did my first wheelie and it was not intentional.

A guy pushing his kid in a stroller leapt forward out of nowhere and said, "May I help?"

After the third time I'd taken a run at the door sill and still hadn't made it, I said yes.

Somehow he got me and the stroller in the door. God bless. I really wasn't looking forward to getting the entire back half of me drenched in filthy water.

I went to the posh food court and got myself a tasty early lunch. Twin girls turned around and looked at me. They were Asian and looked to be about the same age. One was fascinated by me. She was about three and was all staring wonder. Cute kid. Seriously.

On my way back through the bookstore, I picked up a copy of Pride and Prejudice (and thank you, no, I do not have a copy of Pride and Prejudice. Thank you very much.) and as I was cruising against a far wall, I felt a weird "ka-chunk" and the chair pitched forward and to the right, nearly pitching me out. I dropped my gloves, my sunglasses, my Visa card and laying on the floor next to all of this was one of the bolts that held the caster on.

I think this is when I dropped the f-bomb. It might have even been the m-bomb f-bomb. I straightened myself up, put the remaining stuff in my lap onto a bookshelf and tried to reach the stuff I'd dropped.

Here I began muttering and a woman asked, "Can I help?" I rolled my eyes at myself, just annoyed as hell at me, and said, yes, I did. She handed me the stuff from the floor, I thanked her and she moved on.

I sat there for a moment, pondering my situation.

I checked underneath the chair. The caster was still on, although pointing backward. I tried to balance and found if I kept my weight to the back and to the left, and moved very slowly, I was okay.

Finally at the check-out counter nearest the door, I dropped my gloves again, tilted forward perilously and the store clerk came around to ask me if I was okay and handed me my gloves. If I could have safely done an "oh, f- me," face palm, I would have.

I got to the door, my chair lurched again, but I knew I was okay going out. I just hoped I didn't pitch face forward into a pool of filthy water. The dean of the Physics department at Princeton rushed up. "Can I help?"

Not unless you've got a toolkit in your trunk. His sons watched me pass.

I went across to the parking lot verrrryyy slowly. I stopped traffic. As I approached my car, a very snazzily dressed older Russian woman called out, "Kin I hilp you?"

"No, no. No. No, thanks. I'm fine."

"Are you sssurrrre?"

"Yep. Yeah. I'm fine. I got it. Thank you."

A pregnant pause and then she shouted, "You are hheeeerroe!"

Oh, f- me. Now I'm a hero.

I managed to get into the car without requiring a dozen people to run to my aid.

Well. Ahem. I guess my good deed is done for the day. I made at least ten people feel good about helping me.

And I'm an f-ing hero.

Ha.